So every year I do a sort of annual postmortem for my own records. This one's about a week late, if for no other reason than I have no idea of what to say this time.
Took up Dota 2, and it took up a lot of my time. Did very little in the way of art. Did some minor programming-related things, but nothing substantial. Went to AVCon for the first time in years, had a couple of interesting experiences and got some sore feet out of the deal, but that's about it. This year has been remarkable only in how unremarkable it's been. It's also the first year I've started to feel physically older, but that's a whole other thing.
I guess I'll just ramble, if only to clear my head.
I'm not sure what I enjoy doing anymore. Playing video games is an amusing distraction, but it gets tiresome. Art is more frustrating than anything else, because I can't achieve the results I want, and I don't seem to derive pleasure from doing the kind of things I know I'd have to do to get better. Interesting math and programming problems come along occasionally, but they're inevitably surrounded by a whole load of tedious work that's either too uninteresting or too tedious to deal with.
I guess I'm just not entirely sure what I'm supposed to do at this point. I feel like my only options are to either distract myself with idle entertainment, or else exert a ton of effort on something which might not even end up giving me much pleasure in return.
I feel like I'm missing something. Some major piece. Like I'm waiting to get hit by an epiphany and suddenly have all my various mental conundrums just fall into place. And of course, that's probably not how it's going to work; I do tend to get those sudden bursts of insight, but they feel more spaced out as of late, not to mention less intense. Sometimes I wonder how much progress I've really made in the last few years. I know I've learned a lot, but then I see how little I've done, and I wonder if I've really learned anything at all.
I don't know. I think if I have one goal, it's to try and figure out what it is that's keeping me from doing what needs to be done: What's keeping me from trying my hardest to achieve higher goals. I know a lot about myself, but getting myself to produce something of value is a form of mental persuasion that I've never managed to quite get a hold on. I guess I'll have to think on it.
Have a good year.